Welcome 2008! Good riddance 2007!!!

There is nothing I hate more than a cop on a power trip.

I was going to the gym this morning, and I didn't bother to brush off the (maybe) inch of snow on the van, because it was already so mild out that snow was turning to water and dripping off EVERYTHING so I assumed it would be off the van momentarily. About five minutes down the road I passed a cop. I was going about 45 mph in a 40 zone, not that big of a deal, but still had that moment of panic until I saw that he wasn't following me.

But then I noticed that suddenly he WAS following me, and with flashing lights. ARGH.

Now, I should probably admit now that we haven't changed our licenses or registration. We had the best of intentions to do so, but there was so much fucking red tape that we gave up, especially since our plan is now to go back to Canada. It just didn't seem worth it. So the idea of a ticket or anything else is somewhat panic-inducing.

Turns out, he stopped me because of the frigging snow on the van! Went off on a rant about how some woman with a dirty windshield nearly t-boned him, then muttered something about how it was already melting off and tried to make it seem like I should be thanking him!

What drives me nuts about cops like this is that it forces me to act like the simpering female, "I'm SOOO sorry" etc in the scared little girly voice. Blech.

Wanna know what I really WANTED to say to him???

"Listen, I don't know what happened with your wife this morning. Perhaps she burnt your toast, or perhaps she bit down a bit too hard while she was giving you your morning blowjob, but back the hell off of me! I'm a fucking Canadian - I know how to deal with snow on a vehicle, and this is NOTHING!!! So go back to your damned redneck cop car and go bug someone who gives a rat's ass!"

Sigh. Now that feels better :)

Oh, and my other rant for the day? I went to have a prescription filled today. We're changing insurance because it's been costing us an arm and a leg for practically nothing in terms of service. But my understanding was that the new insurance takes effect tomorrow. But the pharmacist told me that apparently it must have taken effect today, because my card was expired. Grr... now I have to wait for Wednesday to get my damn drugs! And BELIEVE ME - you want me to have my drugs! (Not as much as Hal does, but...) ARGH!

And just to add this one last rant: why on earth, when they leave a notice saying that you missed a parcel delivery, would they not put an ADDRESS for the post office where you're supposed to pick it up????

Merry Christmas to all!

I should be catching a quick nap right now, but oh well...

Back in Ontario again - nice to be home. We're staying at my ILs house while they're in BC at BIL's place. Ahhh... an entire house to ourselves amidst all the chaos. Of course, MIL didn't exactly child-proof before we got here, and left bowls full of suckers sitting on the coffee table. Sigh. Three kids under the age of 7 eating suckers at 11pm after sitting in the van for nearly 11 hours. Blech! This morning Ian broke a glass bowl. Last night Hal knocked over a poinsettia and got dirt all over the place (OK, so TECHNICALLY that's nothing to do with child-proofing, but it definitely has to do with HAL-proofing!)

Kids got spoiled rotten - what else is new? And in about 45 minutes we'll be getting ready to go to my aunt's, where they will get further spoiled. At least I don't have to cook a turkey! I made my first ever apple pie this afternoon - let's hope that it worked! I've made pies before (I had a major craving for strawberry pie when I was pregnant with Leah - to the point that in labour I asked Hal to make sure my pie went into the freezer once he was home again!) but not apple. We'll see what happens, I guess :)

Hoping that perhaps I'll start writing more in the new year. Anyone believe me???

Christmas is really bumming me out this year. The materialism of it all is just plain getting to me. Spending so much time trying to find presents for people that I can actually afford (and even THAT is a stretch) and that they'll like (and I still don't know if they will or not) and appreciate (and maybe I'm just grouchy, but I seriously doubt if they will) just seems so... pointless. I'm feeling like I would rather just forego presents entirely and do everything through the World Vision gift catalogue instead. Honestly - I've spent so much time over the past few months getting RID of stuff, or planning on how to get rid of it, that it just seems so pointless to bring in MORE stuff.

I'm feeling like less is more these days. Like my kids are growing up too priviledged, despite our constant $ woes. When you have so many toys that you forget you even have some of them... I think that's just too much. We don't NEED 50,000 dvds and videos. We don't NEED three (working) televisions.

Need is being able to provide enough nutrition for you children that they don't starve, or have their hair falling out... need is making sure that you have heat in the winter... need is making sure that you aren't naked (unless that's something you're into, of course ;) )

I'm just so frustrated by all of it. I'd be happy to have a day at home, with my kids, with my husband, listening to Christmas carols and eating a decent meal.

And I am NOT a Scrooge!!!

I have been VERY remiss in updating this. If I actually had any readers before, I probably don't now :)

Ironically I've had LOTS to write about, but usually I'm composing entries in my head while driving, or at the gym, and it's kind of hard to post then (ha ha ha...) Too bad, too, because some of them were pretty good.

EVERYONE but me has been sick with the flu over the past two weeks. Hal had it first, but he recovered fairly quickly. He ended up working from home a bit, though, because I was still taking care of 3 sick kids. Millie hasn't been to school since the 30th of November, except for about 2 hours on the 4th, when I thought she was doing better, but I got a call from the school nurse to come and get her. She seemed MUCH better yesterday, but then by the end of the day had a fever again and actually turned down McDonald's for chicken noodle soup.

Leah hasn't been too bad flu-wise, but she spent about 3 nights last week screaming every time you put her in bed. In my kids, that's classic ear infection, so I finally took her to the ped on Friday and she got some antibiotics, but by Saturday night she was screaming again, and Sunday night was AWFUL, so back we went yesterday for a different antibiotic.

Ian really has had it the easiest of everyone. He's stuffed up, and coughing, but other than that he's his usual Hurricane Ian self. Right now he's running around dumping random things on the floor, occasionally watching Elmo Saves Christmas, and getting goobers all over me.

Everyone keeps asking if we got flu shots this year: shouldn't that be self-evident???

So we got back home late on Monday night. A LONG trip with 3 young kids. And we're doing it all again 3 weeks from tomorrow - eek!

It was good to be home, it really was. There are things that will never change about Ontario, though. We will always be annoyed by Hal's family no matter how great they can be when they want to be. My mom will always be whiny about not spending enough time with me, making me feel like she really doesn't like my kids very much (mainly because they prevent her from spending time with me... sigh...) We have some good friends, who really care, and some hangers on that are just there well, because.

We went to see friends from church on Friday night, who had several other friends and their kids over as well. It was so great. I honestly just came out of their house that night on a high. I rarely feel that loved and wanted by people outside my immediate family. It's nice to spend time with other people our age, with kids the same age as ours, who are also professional people (and I don't mean that as snobbily as it sounds, but there are different challenges depending on your career choices, too). Church was great, too. It honestly felt like we'd never left, except for the number of people coming up to us. It was funny how many people asked if we were back for good. Leah and Ian went into the nursery that morning without even looking back, which is amazing, because every time we've tried to go to church since we moved here, they've FLIPPED OUT if I tried to leave them in the nursery. It's been six months, so there's no way that they remembered it (especially Ian), so all I can think is that they must have just realized it was home, somehow.

Saturday was interesting, to say the least. I took Millie to see her BFF from down the street. That was ok. I left Hal with Leah and Ian at his parents' place. His mom drove him nuts, the water wasn't working (the ENTIRE day) but at least the little guys got some sleep. That night there was a HUGE dinner (around 25 people) for us, which I enjoyed, but it was kind of disorganized and by the time that I got to eat there was barely any food left. Sigh. Oh well, better for my diet anyway :) It was nice to see the people who were there, but it's hard trying to talk to that many people, especially when you're chasing after two toddlers and trying to be sure they don't get themselves into trouble in a house that's essentially a construction zone right now.

Nobody slept particularly well the whole time, so I'm still trying to get the kids back on schedules, and trying to get caught up on sleep myself.

It was weird - while we were in Ontario, it just kind of felt like we'd never left, and yet I didn't really believe that I was actually there. When we got back here, it was good to be "home", but it just felt bizarre at the same time - like I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I hope this all gets resolved soon. I've come to the conclusion that although I love to travel, and I hope to see as much of the world as I can, I want a home base to always go back to. I'm not meant to live in foreign places - just visit them for pure enjoyment.

I hope this made sense - I've been meaning to write it all week, but I'm still so tired I can barely think straight. I'll try and write something later that might actually make sense :)

I'm HOME!!!

Sad when a hotel in your hometown feels more like home than your house.

So... Saturday afternoon suddenly people were outside blowing the leaves and then mowing the grass. We were somewhat perturbed, given that a) Leah and Ian were napping, and b) we hadn't asked anyone to do this.

Turns out the landlady called for them to come. We made SURE he said that she was paying, but Hal still called her to confirm and tell her that we didn't appreciate not having any warning. Ian ended up waking up early from his nap and was cranky the rest of the day.

So, the lawn is all nicely mowed.

Today we have about 10 inches of snow. Gotta love irony :D

I hate renting. I hate it with a passion that burns in my very soul (wow - haven't used THAT one in a while!)

Last week the couple that rents one of the "guest cottages" on this property told us that the landlady had called and said she was coming either Wednesday or Thursday. I cleaned like crazy, even though I'd heard before that she was coming and she didn't show up. But she finally showed up on the Thursday afternoon - only giving me a 1/2hr's notice (which is illegal, I believe). I could tell she thought the house was a mess. Gee, I have 3 kids, including 2 toddlers who make tornados look like gentle breezes... what a shock!

She asked about who we'd had doing the lawn (it's huge and we don't have the time or resources to do it ourselves) and I said we'd had her guy doing it, but when we found out he was charging twice as much as we'd been led to believe we cancelled the service. This was the end of August and the lawn hasn't been cut since then. It's not exactly gorgeous, but it's just shaggy more than anything. I mean, it's NOVEMBER for Pete's sakes!

Yesterday her realtor called. Because we found this place at the last minute, she was also our realtor, which is not an ideal situation, but it had worked out all right at the time. She said that Mrs. G (the 75-year-old landlady) had called her all upset because the grass was "up to her waist" and so L, the realtor, asked if this was true. I told her that it was unequivocally NOT true. It is MAYBE 6-7 inches long at this point. I asked if she meant the gardens, which were in a complete mess when we got here, and I wasn't about to pay for landscapers to fix HER mess. L said no, Mrs G had said the grass.

On top of that, L said that Mrs. G felt it was OUR responsibility to have the chimney and stoves cleaned if we wanted to use them this winter. Bull! They're part of the damn heating system. I don't know what we're going to end up doing, but this has just pissed both Hal and I off immensely. We already wanted to go home. Now I think we've decided that as soon as Hal can get a GOOD job at home we're out of here. I just don't care anymore. His company can just try and get the moving expenses out of us. We can stay here and go broke, or go home where he can get a good job, and I can actually WORK if I need/want to. I just told Hal that we're not going home to just any job. It has to be a good one, to at least make some part of this experience worthwhile.

Blech. I am NEVER renting again... I seem to recall saying that after we bought our first house... I just hope we don't have problems getting a mortgage when we go back and end up having to wait because he'll be starting a new job. Blech. I hate money. Blech.

Did I say blech?

When I was in high school, a lot of people watched Degrassi, but no one admitted it. Still makes me laugh.

I watched the first few episodes of the new Degrassi, to see the old gang, but never really got into it after that. Since I've been down here (where apparently it's like a cult show and these new kids get mobbed LOL) I've gotten addicted to the stupid show. I recognized part of the U of T campus in an episode tonight and got far too excited.

Damn I need to go home. 12 more sleeps :)

When Millie was about 3, and I was working for the Evil Accounting Firm (hereafter to be known as EAF) I made her a book called "Millie's ABC's". I used the colour printer at work to print it off and had the printing house across the street laminate and bind it for me. She always loved it.

I've finally been going through all of the boxes we still have left (and there are a LOT) and last weekend I found it, much to Millie's excitement.

This morning when I came into the family room to tell them that breakfast was ready, I found Millie and Leah sitting on the couch together, Millie reading her ABC book to Leah, the same way I used to read it to her.

Makes a Mama's heart melt :)

Random Thoughts from Tonight

1. Went to the gym after the kids were in bed. It's a long drive, so hard to convince myself to do it, but I really should go more often.

2. I was watching Hannity & Combes on the Cardio Theatre (this is one way that the Y here completely has it over the Y I used to go to at home) and they were talking ad nauseum about Hillary Clinton. I find it interesting how polarizing she is, but what I absolutely could not believe was the conservative woman (I have no idea who she is because I'm not a big Fox News watcher - surprise, surprise!) saying that Hillary Clinton broke the first rule of feminism because she took her husband's last name. Hello? Does anyone remember the outcry when Bill Clinton became president and the First Lady had a DIFFERENT last name? For Pete's sakes! You can't have it both ways people!

3. I had a lot more thoughts... but now I'm tired... crap :)

Oh, and thanks to a friend mentioning it, comments are now enabled for everyone, not just those with Google accounts :)

So much for updating every day :)

I'm doing better. It's hard, a daily battle, but things are back in control, I guess. I think that being here has stressed me out more than I ever would have thought possible. So many people think this should be the most exciting thing we've ever done, but really, I'm so far out of my element it's not even funny. There is very little that I, Miss Type A, can control here. But I have 3 kids to worry about now, and they need me to NOT be that person anymore.

Anyway, we're going home in a few weeks time. It's only for a few days, but I'm hoping it will be a chance to recharge. My mom has kindly booked us a hotel, rather than all 5 of us having to bunk with our parents in places that aren't really meant for large numbers of guests. We won't get to spend a lot of time with any one person, but it'll be nice to be home. Sounds like we'll be going home again over Christmas, too.

I'll try and do more of a real update soon, but not tonight. I'm watchin' "Heroes" from last night :)

I find myself once again fighting a demon that I thought I had long since eaten into submission. It's a very frustrating place to be. I have been trying to do this the healthy way this time, and with quite a lot of success, but as soon as I let fear get to me I was the same messed-up eighteen-year-old again.

I never really told anyone about it back then. I don't know if anyone even knew. I guess being an actress has its advantages - makes you a good liar when you feel you need to be. Ironically, looking back now the things I was dealing with at the time seem inconsequential to adult problems but at the time, being my drama queen self, they were monumental. And really, 1993-1994 kinda sucked. I really let myself get treated like crap by too many people.

I'm realizing now how much of a "Type A" personality I am. I don't know if I was back then. I didn't feel like it, but maybe I wanted more control than I actually had. Being here, with no possiblity of working even if I want to, with no control over our financial situation, no control over when or if we go back to Canada... Heck, we're renting so I don't really even have control over the house, which is basically my domain at this point.

I don't know why I'm writing about this today. This blog wasn't intended for this kind of stuff. Feels good to get it out, though. Maybe now I can just let it go.

Or not.

Blech.

Went to the gym tonight after the kids were in bed. I've been saying for two months now that I was going to do that, especially since Leah and Ian seem to be unimpressed with me leaving them in the babysitting room. The first time I tried it they screamed for 10 minutes straight until I heard myself called over the loudspeaker to come and get them. So since then I've usually only gone on Saturday mornings while Millie is in her class and Hal can look after the little guys.

It felt SOOOOO good to be out of the house BY MYSELF. There was no one calling for Mommy. No phones to answer. No one wanting a drink, a snack, or to drool or climb on me. One of the things I love about this Y is their "cardio theater". I watched three different tv shows at the same time and didn't have anyone complaining that they didn't want to watch what I was watching.

And the rest, well... I was going to write about it, but not tonight. I'm choosing to enjoy the feeling of having accomplished something, no matter how insignificant it may have been.

*post written (GASP - by hand) at 4:35pm

Ian is 14 months old today. I can hardly believe it.

Sometimes it's so beautiful here that I wonder how I can possibly unhappy, as if somehow the physical attractiveness of a place should make up for a lousy healthcare system and a school system that I don't understand, and no right to privacy.

Right now I'm sitting on the playground equipment behind the YMCA while Milllie has her swimming lesson. Ian and Leah are happily running, climbing and sliding. We are truly in the middle of a forest here. Trees that are already turning dozens of different colours are surrounding us. It's the perfect fall temperature with just the slightest breeze. Driving here today I looked at all of the For Sale signs, the same way I always do, thinking about whether or not the houses would suit us. It's silly, because we know we want to leave here. Even if by some chance we end up staying in the US, we're too far from the city. I'm not a living in the country kinda gal. I don't like driving 20 minutes to the nearest grocery store - or anywhere else for that matter. Not with young kids. But it's beautiful to look at, and to think about.

Are we being too hasty about this country? Are we not giving it a chance? Maybe we had our minds made up before we even got here. On the other hand does it matter? If we love "our home and native land": our friends, our church, our family-at-large, is that some kind of character flaw? A lot of people are making us feel that way.

Some days I don't even know.

Guests, guests and more guests!

One thing I'm learning about living away from home is that you have to deal with friends and relatives in an entirely different way. In the whole four years we lived in our last home I don't think we had overnight guests more than a few times. After we had Leah and Ian, and all the bedrooms were used up, we only ever had one of their cousins stay overnight once, and Hal's parents stayed overnight on Christmas Eve once, on a mattress in the living room!

I love people and I love my friends and family, but I never really wanted company overnight all that much. I was glad to see them come, and glad to see them leave.

Now it's a completely different story. People can't just come and visit for the day. I have two friends in the entire state and see them pretty rarely. Everyone else who comes to visit us has to stay at least two nights. So far MIL (mother-in-law, for those not up on netlingo) has been here twice, FIL (father-in-law) once, my mom once and just last weekend I had two friends, and the baby daughter of one of them. The friend and her baby were here for five days. I loved having them here, but it gets exhausting.

I just got a message on Crackbook (AKA Facebook) a while ago that a friend and her "new" husband (they've lived together for years but just got married the weekend after we moved down here) are coming to visit next week. Agh! I love her dearly, and we always have fun together, but we haven't spent any REAL time together in years. And she doesn't have kids, and really doesn't know much about kids. I don't know if they know what they're in for, and I'm not in the mood to try and keep my kids from being kids just to keep them happy. I also suspect that they're just using my house as a place to crash more than anything. They're already talking about a day trip into NYC and I seriously doubt that the schedule I use when I do a day trip in is what they're thinking of, so I doubt if I'll be going along. I guess I get to do another major cleaning, though. Should be interesting since Millie, our two-year-old, has to have a tooth extracted the day before they arrive (*rolls eyes).

I used to listen to BIL (brother-in-law... do I really have to keep explaining this? You're an intelligent person...) bitch about having to come home every time he had a vacation and say to Hal, "He's the one who moved across the country!" Now I get it. I'm desperate to go home and see my friends, but our ENTIRE vacation for this year is going to be used up doing that. I think we'll come back here a few days before Christmas vacation is over, just to have some time as a family in our OWN home.

What on earth is going to happen if this company moves us to Europe like they keep saying? We'll become a crash pad for every refusing to grow up friend that I have. Fun. (And I love my friends, but I'm in a VERY different place from most of them these days.)

I wonder if people will believe that our guest room burned down???

Spent Saturday in NYC. Kept looking at neighbourhoods thinking "I could live here... if I could afford it." Every time I start to think I should just wait it out, my worries about the healthcare system remind me how good I had it at home. I think we've already spent (or been billed) enough on healthcare here to cover our entire 2006 tax bill in Canada.

I do love New York, though. Walked past the Actors' Studio and nearly had palpitations :)

Some background...

“Hey, you know that board I’m on? The Industry one? Exec Guy A from Company B just posted that they’re looking for a Director of Blah,” my husband, “Hal”, said.

And that was how our odyssey began.

Since Hal made considerably more than I did, I had often said that if he found a job in the US that was worth our while I’d be willing to pick up and pack out. I even convinced myself it would be the adventure I’d missed out on by getting married so young.

Then they wanted to interview him. In NYC. I still didn’t really believe it was going to happen. Except that they offered him the job. Next thing I knew he’d quit his job with Company A and we had our house on the market. He was supposed to start in 3 weeks.

Except that it took SIX weeks for his work visa to get processed. And the signing bonus AND moving expenses suddenly became a signing bonus TO PAY FOR the moving expenses. And we were broke by the time we got here.

We ended up renting a house. It’s a two-hour commute each way for Hal. I thought I was going to NYC, and instead I’m in the middle of nowhere where it takes 20 minutes to get to the stupid grocery store. I’m at home with our three kids: “Millie”, “Leah” and “Ian”.

There’s a lot that’s brought me to this point. I miss home dreadfully. I had another blog, but I’ve decided to “go anonymous” so that I can be more truthful. Sad to say, but I’ve had some bad experiences ranting about my frustrations. I find Americans get so defensive when I talk about wanting to go home, as if I’m putting down the entire country. Maybe I am, but either way I just don’t want anyone knowing who I am anymore. I need a place to really vent. Besides, once in a while I actually have a funny story. Honest! Just stay tuned!