I find myself once again fighting a demon that I thought I had long since eaten into submission. It's a very frustrating place to be. I have been trying to do this the healthy way this time, and with quite a lot of success, but as soon as I let fear get to me I was the same messed-up eighteen-year-old again.

I never really told anyone about it back then. I don't know if anyone even knew. I guess being an actress has its advantages - makes you a good liar when you feel you need to be. Ironically, looking back now the things I was dealing with at the time seem inconsequential to adult problems but at the time, being my drama queen self, they were monumental. And really, 1993-1994 kinda sucked. I really let myself get treated like crap by too many people.

I'm realizing now how much of a "Type A" personality I am. I don't know if I was back then. I didn't feel like it, but maybe I wanted more control than I actually had. Being here, with no possiblity of working even if I want to, with no control over our financial situation, no control over when or if we go back to Canada... Heck, we're renting so I don't really even have control over the house, which is basically my domain at this point.

I don't know why I'm writing about this today. This blog wasn't intended for this kind of stuff. Feels good to get it out, though. Maybe now I can just let it go.

Or not.

Blech.