Yeah, it's me

Yes, I'm well aware that I haven't blogged in well (*counting on my fingers, give me a sec) almost 10 months. And anyone who knows me personally knows that the last ten months has been... not so great. Lots of things to blog about, you'd think, but I just didn't. Even now I shouldn't be. I'm taking part in Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) and I'm supposed to write 50,000 words on my novel this month. Every word I'm writing here is a word I should be writing there, but oh well.

Here's the condensed version of the past ten months (and I mean CONDENSED):

1. Shortly after my last post Hal lost his job. COMPLETELY out of nowhere and for no reason. Company A tried to completely screw us, too, so even though we were supposed to be out of the country within a week, we stayed long enough to fight them (laywers and everything) and get a half-decent settlement in order to be able to afford to get home. We got screwed by just about everyone in this move: Company A, New York Unemployment, the company that made us think they'd offered Hal a new job, only to find out that they hadn't... it's been pretty damned sucky. He finally did get back to work, but it was a really rough few months. NOT how we intended this "adventure" in the US to go. So, needless to say I'm a Canadiyank no more, but I'm not changing blogs again, so there! Plus, after 10+ months in the US we've figured out that we can never be the same people again. I think I will be a Canadiyank forever, in some way.

2. The same day that Hal lost his job (and I SWEAR I am not making this up) his father had a heart attack. A week later, with us still stuck in the States, his dad had a QUINTUPLE bypass. As in FIVE. I had never even heard of someone having a quintuple bypass before. Quadruple, yes, but man. It was really hard on all of us, being stuck in another country while all of this was going on. He's getting better now, all these months later, but he'll never really be the same, either.

3. We rented a "temporary" house when we came back, sight unseen. My friend went and looked at it for us, gave us her approval and we agreed to rent for 3 months while we "found a house to buy". Unfortunately, Company A has essentially ruined us financially (they're such GIVING, LOVING people in the US, really!) and at this point, buying a house again just isn't going to happen. That's killing me, because, as I may have mentioned before, I HATE RENTING. Plus, it's a little townhouse. Well, maybe not "little", but far too little for us. Especially now that...

4. I'm pregnant. Yes, you read that right. I am pregnant with Baby #4. We've always been a stupidly optimistic pair, Hal and I, and we decided that hey, why not... we'll just see what happens and surely we'll have fixed our mess by the time I actually GOT pregnant (after 2 sets of fertility treatments, you don't expect much from "let's just see what happens." But two months later, much to my surprise, I saw my first ever positive home pregnancy test, and here I am now, 17 weeks along.

5. So now we're trying hard to find a bigger place for all of us to rent for a year or two. Poor Millie has now been in 3 different schools, and she's only in Grade Two. We told her we'd probably be moving again, and have to go to another school and she said, "That's okay, I'm used to it." Ugh. Mommy guilt.

6. Leah is in nursery school. Ian is jealous. I'm just trying to keep from losing my mind, still be a SAHM in a much smaller house, with a toddler and a preschooler who want nothing more to run, in a house that is NOT conducive to running. I am NOT a domestic person. I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. I love my kids, though, and I keep telling myself that's what matters.

And now I have to go do laundry. I'm not too fond of that, either :)

The other night Millie told Hal that she doesn't like America and wants to go back to Canada. Daddy told her that we're trying to go back, but "first we have to have your birthday party" (she's turning 7 soon - I can hardly believe it - but that's another post). She told him that she wanted to have her birthday party in Canada because "no one here listens" to her. I know she has friends here, but it's not like it used to be.

My heart is breaking for my little girl.

We have to get out of here. We just got an electric bill that covered two months: apparently the bill for November that I was so happy about was an "estimate" and was off by $600. And the bill for December was the same. We now owe the electric company $1600 even after I paid them $500 last month. Stupid FUCKING baseboard heaters. I nearly had a panic attack when I saw that. There are still probably 3-4 months where we're going to need to use them at least a little bit, so does that mean another 4 $900 bills??? You have to be kidding me! I got one of the pellet stoves going yesterday, but it doesn't seem to warm things up nearly as much as we were told it would. Right now my fingers are FREEZING, and it's not even that cold out.

I hate it here too, Millie. :(

Things are better. After I wrote that last entry, we talked. We both agree that no matter how stressed out we are here, we have to stop and think more before we open our big mouths :)

We just watched "Music and Lyrics" - the movie with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore - and both really enjoyed it. If you haven't seen it, make sure to check it out. Who knew Hugh Grant could sing? And you've gotta love the 80s music video at the beginning! As Hal said, "You could go back to the 80s and put that out, and it would be a huge hit".

I don't like admitting this, but Hal and I have been fighting a LOT lately. I know we're both stressed because we don't want to be here, but damn - I just don't know how much more I can take. We're both being so frigging nasty to each other. One minute we're fine, and laughing and joking, or having fun with the kids, and the next we're sniping at each other like we're mortal enemies. I hate this. Maybe it's been the stress of the holidays, or just having him around all the time this last couple of weeks. I'm actually looking forward to him going back to work tomorrow, so that hopefully we can all just get back into a normal routine.

I so don't want to keep going like this. I love my husband, and I know he loves me. This damn place is tearing us apart, though. What's the point of being together if in the end you're alone?

Shit.

Merry Christmas to all!

I should be catching a quick nap right now, but oh well...

Back in Ontario again - nice to be home. We're staying at my ILs house while they're in BC at BIL's place. Ahhh... an entire house to ourselves amidst all the chaos. Of course, MIL didn't exactly child-proof before we got here, and left bowls full of suckers sitting on the coffee table. Sigh. Three kids under the age of 7 eating suckers at 11pm after sitting in the van for nearly 11 hours. Blech! This morning Ian broke a glass bowl. Last night Hal knocked over a poinsettia and got dirt all over the place (OK, so TECHNICALLY that's nothing to do with child-proofing, but it definitely has to do with HAL-proofing!)

Kids got spoiled rotten - what else is new? And in about 45 minutes we'll be getting ready to go to my aunt's, where they will get further spoiled. At least I don't have to cook a turkey! I made my first ever apple pie this afternoon - let's hope that it worked! I've made pies before (I had a major craving for strawberry pie when I was pregnant with Leah - to the point that in labour I asked Hal to make sure my pie went into the freezer once he was home again!) but not apple. We'll see what happens, I guess :)

Hoping that perhaps I'll start writing more in the new year. Anyone believe me???

I have been VERY remiss in updating this. If I actually had any readers before, I probably don't now :)

Ironically I've had LOTS to write about, but usually I'm composing entries in my head while driving, or at the gym, and it's kind of hard to post then (ha ha ha...) Too bad, too, because some of them were pretty good.

EVERYONE but me has been sick with the flu over the past two weeks. Hal had it first, but he recovered fairly quickly. He ended up working from home a bit, though, because I was still taking care of 3 sick kids. Millie hasn't been to school since the 30th of November, except for about 2 hours on the 4th, when I thought she was doing better, but I got a call from the school nurse to come and get her. She seemed MUCH better yesterday, but then by the end of the day had a fever again and actually turned down McDonald's for chicken noodle soup.

Leah hasn't been too bad flu-wise, but she spent about 3 nights last week screaming every time you put her in bed. In my kids, that's classic ear infection, so I finally took her to the ped on Friday and she got some antibiotics, but by Saturday night she was screaming again, and Sunday night was AWFUL, so back we went yesterday for a different antibiotic.

Ian really has had it the easiest of everyone. He's stuffed up, and coughing, but other than that he's his usual Hurricane Ian self. Right now he's running around dumping random things on the floor, occasionally watching Elmo Saves Christmas, and getting goobers all over me.

Everyone keeps asking if we got flu shots this year: shouldn't that be self-evident???

So we got back home late on Monday night. A LONG trip with 3 young kids. And we're doing it all again 3 weeks from tomorrow - eek!

It was good to be home, it really was. There are things that will never change about Ontario, though. We will always be annoyed by Hal's family no matter how great they can be when they want to be. My mom will always be whiny about not spending enough time with me, making me feel like she really doesn't like my kids very much (mainly because they prevent her from spending time with me... sigh...) We have some good friends, who really care, and some hangers on that are just there well, because.

We went to see friends from church on Friday night, who had several other friends and their kids over as well. It was so great. I honestly just came out of their house that night on a high. I rarely feel that loved and wanted by people outside my immediate family. It's nice to spend time with other people our age, with kids the same age as ours, who are also professional people (and I don't mean that as snobbily as it sounds, but there are different challenges depending on your career choices, too). Church was great, too. It honestly felt like we'd never left, except for the number of people coming up to us. It was funny how many people asked if we were back for good. Leah and Ian went into the nursery that morning without even looking back, which is amazing, because every time we've tried to go to church since we moved here, they've FLIPPED OUT if I tried to leave them in the nursery. It's been six months, so there's no way that they remembered it (especially Ian), so all I can think is that they must have just realized it was home, somehow.

Saturday was interesting, to say the least. I took Millie to see her BFF from down the street. That was ok. I left Hal with Leah and Ian at his parents' place. His mom drove him nuts, the water wasn't working (the ENTIRE day) but at least the little guys got some sleep. That night there was a HUGE dinner (around 25 people) for us, which I enjoyed, but it was kind of disorganized and by the time that I got to eat there was barely any food left. Sigh. Oh well, better for my diet anyway :) It was nice to see the people who were there, but it's hard trying to talk to that many people, especially when you're chasing after two toddlers and trying to be sure they don't get themselves into trouble in a house that's essentially a construction zone right now.

Nobody slept particularly well the whole time, so I'm still trying to get the kids back on schedules, and trying to get caught up on sleep myself.

It was weird - while we were in Ontario, it just kind of felt like we'd never left, and yet I didn't really believe that I was actually there. When we got back here, it was good to be "home", but it just felt bizarre at the same time - like I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I hope this all gets resolved soon. I've come to the conclusion that although I love to travel, and I hope to see as much of the world as I can, I want a home base to always go back to. I'm not meant to live in foreign places - just visit them for pure enjoyment.

I hope this made sense - I've been meaning to write it all week, but I'm still so tired I can barely think straight. I'll try and write something later that might actually make sense :)

Some background...

“Hey, you know that board I’m on? The Industry one? Exec Guy A from Company B just posted that they’re looking for a Director of Blah,” my husband, “Hal”, said.

And that was how our odyssey began.

Since Hal made considerably more than I did, I had often said that if he found a job in the US that was worth our while I’d be willing to pick up and pack out. I even convinced myself it would be the adventure I’d missed out on by getting married so young.

Then they wanted to interview him. In NYC. I still didn’t really believe it was going to happen. Except that they offered him the job. Next thing I knew he’d quit his job with Company A and we had our house on the market. He was supposed to start in 3 weeks.

Except that it took SIX weeks for his work visa to get processed. And the signing bonus AND moving expenses suddenly became a signing bonus TO PAY FOR the moving expenses. And we were broke by the time we got here.

We ended up renting a house. It’s a two-hour commute each way for Hal. I thought I was going to NYC, and instead I’m in the middle of nowhere where it takes 20 minutes to get to the stupid grocery store. I’m at home with our three kids: “Millie”, “Leah” and “Ian”.

There’s a lot that’s brought me to this point. I miss home dreadfully. I had another blog, but I’ve decided to “go anonymous” so that I can be more truthful. Sad to say, but I’ve had some bad experiences ranting about my frustrations. I find Americans get so defensive when I talk about wanting to go home, as if I’m putting down the entire country. Maybe I am, but either way I just don’t want anyone knowing who I am anymore. I need a place to really vent. Besides, once in a while I actually have a funny story. Honest! Just stay tuned!